Is your child attention seeking or attention needing? This is an important question to answer if you want to know how to respond to your child’s behaviour. Sometimes parents describe their child’s behaviour as attention seeking behaviour (i.e. his behaviour should be ignored). However, it is important to remember that a lack of attention can increase misbehaviour. The key question that you need to answer to determine when it’s best to ignore or take heed to your child’s behaviour is: ”Is my child attention seeking or attention needing?”
All children need attention
There is a golden rule in parenting: Children who do not get positive attention by behaving good, will look for negative attention by behaving bad. The way they see it is that it is better to get some attention than no attention at all. So it is important to recognise their good behaviour and to pay attention to it. Unfortunately, a lot of parents mistakenly think that the best time wherein they can do their own things, is when their child is calm. Not realizing that this teaches him that attention is to be literally screamed for.
Recognise attention seeking and attention needing behaviour
If you don’t spend quality time with your child on a daily basis and you don’t recognise and praise his good behaviour, it’s almost certain that he is attention needing as a result of which he misbehaves to get some of your attention. Instead of just ignoring this behaviour, you will have to work on satisfying his underlying needs for attention by giving him positive attention for positive behaviour and spending quality time with him.
If you do spend quality time with your child, regonise and positively comment on his good behaviour, satisfy his needs and he misbehaves, then it’s likely that he is attention seeking. In this case his behaviour can be ignored if his and the environment’s safety is not at risk and if he does not have any special needs.
The following are practical examples to clarify the difference between attention seeking and attention needing behaviour.
Case 1 – Hamza is five years old. He doesn’t have any brothers or sisters and he hasn’t played all day because he had to go with his parents to do some (in his eyes) boring things. When he comes back, he wants to play outside with his friends but he is not allowed to do so. Inside the hosue, he goes up and down and doesn’t seem to settle. His parents are watching TV. Hamza sits next to his parents who continue to watch TV. When he says something to them, they say: ”Sttt, we are trying to listen.” Hamza sighs and walks to his toys. He comes back with his two toy cars, crashes them against each other and makes loud crashing sounds. His parents tell him off for not respecting their time and shout at him.
This case is a case that shows attention needing behaviour camouflaged by ”misbehaviour”. Hamza’s needs were not met. If his needs were met (if he had sufficient play time with friends for example), it’s likely that he would be able to play on his own without disturbing his parents.
Now let us s have a look at another case.
Case 2 – Asiya is six years old. She went to a fun fair today with her mom. After that she rested at her aunt’s house and had dinner. She had a lot of fun and mom is exhausted. It isn’t bedtime yet and mom wants to have a break. She asks Asiya to play a relaxing game on her own while she is watching TV. Asiya however doesn’t play calmly. She keeps talking to her mom and makes a lot of noise. When mom explains that she needs a break and asks Asiya to play calmly, Asiya listens. But not for long. Soon after mom asked her to play calmly, she walks to her mum and asks her to play with her.
This case shows attention seeking behaviour. Asiya already had a lot of attention today and her needs were met. Now it is time for mom’s needs to be met but Asiya doesn’t allow that. In this case, it can be effective to ignore Asiya’s behaviour or to set another suitable consequence. It’s good for children to learn that parents also have needs that need to be respected.
Parenting tip
It can be frustrating if your child shows attention seeking behaviour. However, it’s important to clarify your needs (e.g. rest, work) respectfully (for more on how to do this, you can read our article ‘Our Approach Towards Our Children’) so that your child knows how to behave before you ignore his behaviour. In turn, your child will know why his behaviour is ignored if he continues to behave that way which makes it more likely that he will change his behaviour. Also remember that ignoring is a way to stimulate children to show other more positive behaviour. It should never be used to humiliate, bully or abuse a child.
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